Authenticity in Relation to Others

I am a bit of an introvert. Being around large groups, particularly at social functions like parties, live performances, and parades drains my energy. That sounds a little funny, given that I enjoy public speaking and performing, but trust me, making small talk is an entirely different animal than performing or presenting. I share this fact about myself to emphasize that the people I do choose to spend time with mean a lot to me. My circle of deeply close friends is rather small, so each of these people are incredibly important to me. Relationships of mine that have become strained or run their course usually do so because the relational partner and I have different levels of authenticity when it comes to self-disclosure and feedback.

I lost a close girlfriend because she wanted me to communicate only superficially with her boyfriend. I lost more than one boyfriend over my insistence in discussing my political or religious views. I lost an acquaintance because I told them I didn’t like the way they were talking to me. Of course, there is much more to each of those scenarios than I have room or inclination to reveal here. These examples of relational dissolution were neither solely my failure nor the failure of the other person. I give you just a taste in hopes perhaps you can relate. Sometimes we are a bit “too much” for others. Sometimes others are a bit too much for us, but when we can find a balance of how much to disclose and how fervently, as well as accepting feedback from others, we can be more authentic. It takes more than just being authentic on our own. We need that authenticity to be relational.

In interpersonal communication, we study the Johari Window. This model was developed by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955. It explains our understanding of ourselves as well as others’ understanding of us. Drawn on paper, the window appears as a square with four quadrants: 1. Open, 2. Blind, 3. Hidden, 4. Unknown. The open area includes everything known about yourself by you and others—essentially your public self. The blind area includes things known about you by others, but not you. The hidden area includes all known by you and not others about yourself. The unknown area is just that—unknown about you by you and by others. By disclosing more about ourselves to others and accepting feedback from others about ourselves, we expand the open quadrant, therefore broadening our public self.

I found a Johari Window quiz you can take here: http://kevan.org/johari