Presenting an Authentic Self During the Holidays
Age-old advice suggests we should never discuss religion or politics in “mixed company,” meaning those who may disagree with our point of view. In our society, people tend to self-segregate by culture, ideology, religion, politics, etc. during their leisure time. We are forced to be around others who potentially disagree with us during work and/or school hours, but we are also expected to focus on a particular task or subject matter. In our ever-expanding virtual lives on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snap Chat, etc., we have the opportunity to actually expand our social circles. We can connect with literally anyone on earth who also uses the same social media platform. Instead, we tend to socially isolate ourselves, cutting out those who disagree. We unfollow, unfriend, block, or just ghost those who cause us any level of cognitive dissonance or confusion. Essentially, we insulate ourselves from anything that makes us “uncomfortable.” We insist on sensitivity to our own vulnerabilities, and don’t always accommodate others in the same way. We insist on trigger-warnings and roll our eyes when someone else’s foundational values are counter to our own. Is this true for every single one of us all the time? Of course not! But most of us most of the time? Probably. And probably with plenty of good reasons.
One place where we cannot avoid those who disagree with us is our families of origin. Sure, some of us have shared ideology and values with our families, but many of us do not. Sometimes it’s to the point that the healthiest thing to do is cut ties. Sometimes it’s subtle enough or at least cordial enough that we can ignore it. More often than not, however, we feel obligated to see our family of origin at the holidays, and there is at least one or more family member who makes it hard for us to feel at ease and be ourselves. This year, 2016 is a perfect example. Clinton, Trump, Johnson, and Stein supporters could not be more convinced that their candidate is the best. There are also reluctant supporters in each of those camps, who are equally convinced that the other candidates are downright evil. Thanksgiving was probably awkward for politically divided families, as was Christmas.
So, how can we present an authentic self while maintaining politeness for our family members? Does being authentic necessitate telling others everything we think, even when we know others will reject our position or maybe even be hurt or offended? Does being authentic mean we must contradict all that others say to us that runs counter to what we know to be true? Philosopher Martin Heidegger explained in his book, Being and Time, that human authenticity resides in the fact that we are “Dasein,” literally translated “being there,” more nuancedly, beings who are concerned about our being. Coupled with Emmanuel Levinas’s idea Entre Nous that authenticity and being always exists within relation to the Other, we have a tension. These philosophers don’t have the market cornered on authenticity, but they can inform our thinking.
Certainly, we can be truly and utterly ourselves, but to be the most authentic and ethical, we need to do so with others in mind. There is no one right way to deal with disagreement. Even Jesus Christ, who lived the perfect life because He was the Son of God according to the Bible and lived a pretty darn good life and was a prophet according to most non-Christians dealt with disagreement in different ways, while always being authentically Himself. In Matthew 5:39, He said to turn the other cheek. In John 2:15, He got so angry that he drove people out of the temple and overturned tables!
What’s my point? We can be our authentic selves while picking our battles. I have a friend who once brought up TRAP (Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers) laws, presuming that I shared her pro-abortion rights point of view.
She: This is not the first time our rights have been under fire.
Me: (calmly) I don’t actually share your point of view on abortion.
She: (surprised) Oh! Well, there are plenty of other women’s rights under fire, too.
Me: Absolutely. It would be nice if people on both sides of the issue could vote in favor of women’s rights that don’t involve abortion.
She: It would be nice if more people looked for agreement than disagreement.
I have to hand it to my friend. She’s pretty far left, and on abortion, I’m pretty far right. I share this snippet of our conversation to show that even on the most contentious of issues, we can be equally ourselves and and respectful of others. That’s what I call authentic. If we find ourselves unable to be polite or unable to maintain our authentic identity, we may need to question the authenticity of that relationship.polite or unable to maintain our authentic identity, we may need to question the authenticity of that relationship.
